Our Preeminent Guide to Drinking Beer

Anyone who knows me knows I love a nice, ice-cold beer after a long day at work or simply on my subway ride to the office. I’ve been cracking open cans since I was but a wee teen, and while I’m certainly no expert, let’s face it – when you’re in the beer drinking game as long as me, you pick up a few things.

So I thought I’d share this handy beer guide for all those people who have trouble figuring out their drink pairings. Remember, the only real rule for beer drinking is that it’s cold, but here are some handy suggestions.

TOP BEERS (not in any specific order)

Miller Lite
This beer immediately conjures up images of Nick Lachey and his unhappy marriage to Jessica Simpson, chronicled on the MTV reality show Newlyweds. But don’t let that veiled alcoholism helping to disguise Lachey’s utter contempt for his wife and her family stop you from enjoying this refreshing drink. It’s great for those nights you spend out in Murray Hill playing bar trivia, or for the tail gate at your college lacrosse game.

Best Food Pairing(s): Atomic wings. Mozzarella sticks.

This is a bottom-of-the-cooler classic, and while Bud Heavy has it’s fans I only drink it in a really desperate situation. There is a time and place for it, though. Porches in the summertime, late-nights on the beach. This beer is the best choice for xenaphobic dads who would never drink a Heineken.

Best Food Pairing(s): Hot dogs, corn dogs, grilled american cheese sandwich.

Bud Light
Another true classic, this brings me back to high school and keg parties. It used to be my favorite before I realized how much better Coors Light was, but there’s something truly romantic about sitting on a boardwalk bench drinking a 40 oz of Bud Light with the person you love. Let’s clink to that.

Best Food Pairing(s): Hamburgers, a fresh grilled salmon seasoned with ginger and soy sauce (trust me, it’s perfect for it.)

Old English
I mentioned 40s of Bud Light, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Old E. It’s the bodega special; in fact, my first night of drinking came from an Old E 40 purchased at the 91 American deli, which used to be behind bullet proof glass. This beer is so disgusting when it gets warm that it encourages you to drink it as fast as possible. This isn’t scotch, folks. No sipping.

Best Food Pairing(s): Egg rolls, Slim Jims

Natty Ice
There’s allegedly more alcohol in Ice beers, but Natural Ice is easier to come by than Bud Ice in my local bodega. This beer is good for drinking games like flip cup and beer pong. The idea is to drink fast, anyway, so you wont even notice how disgusting it it. This beer is bad for every other situation once you have a college degree. But it’s especially bad at family parties, unless it gets your family t0 feel bad for you and they then slip you a couple 20s.

Best Food Pairing(s): An sliver of an Italian or American six-foot hero.

Corona/Corona Light/Amstel Light/Blue Moon/Heineken/Etc.
You’re all fucking showoffs.

Coors Light
Let’s, for a moment, stop and recognize Coors Light, the most maligned of the light beers. But for what reason, other than unofficial sponsor of right-wing causes across the country? It’s a smooth, fresh, light beer that is great from the tap or in a can. And what’s better than having a visual guide to knowing how cold it is? Some people say they hate Coors because “it’s practically water.”

Well I’ve never gotten a ridiculous hangover from drinking 100 ounces of water. Too bad I can’t say the same about Coors Light.

I am proud that my beer of choice is a CL Smooth, or “Whore’s Delight” as a good friend’s mom used to call it. Embrace that skinny 12 oz cans, friends. Put down your walls of pretention. And ride out the fall with a mini-keg of this Rockies delight.